Asking Dads About Father’s Day

Mark Hunter, our Project Officer leading the “Ask Dad More” project, shares some insights from The Haven Project’s Dadtastic Group reflecting about Father’s Day.

It is hard to argue that there is a more significant relationship in anyone’s life than that between parent and child. “Significant” needn’t mean wholly positive of course. The lack of a parent can be more impactful than an ever present parent. Alternatively, a positive parent figure needn’t be a biological relative. People are complicated, relationships are complicated, relationships within families can be more complicated still.

So, how does Father’s Day fit into this complicated picture of family dynamics? I asked a group of dads from The Haven Project’s Dadtastic Group about their feelings around Father’s Day and what, if anything, will be different this year because of the Covid-19 lockdown restrictions.

I spoke to Dadtastic, in a weekly Zoom catch-up. The group are roughly within the 30-50 age bracket. They’d be quick to point out that Graeme (Haven, Fathers Support Worker) and I are closer to the upper limit of that age bracket than they are. The first thing to notice about the response from the group is that they came from the position of being sons as well as fathers.

For some, Father’s Day is tinged with grief, an annual reminder of fathers and sons that are no longer with them or who may never have been in their lives. It can be a day to “get through”, a day to “keep busy”, especially for those that don’t get contact with their children or whose shared parenting arrangements mean that Father’s Day is not their day.

For single dads with young children, Father’s Day passes unnoticed. Without a partner at home or, because of the lockdown, without nursery or school to guide the young child in the making of a card, the writing of a poem or the buying of a gift, “It’s just another day”.

Some men expressed regret, sadness and frustration that they have children who will be making cards for the man their mother now lives with, instead of them. One man paid tribute to his own step-dad for bringing him up whilst at the same time expressing how much it hurts to hear his children call someone else, “Dad”. Relationships are complicated…

Some dads are left feeling demeaned by the commercialization of Father’s Day, their role as parent being reduced to a cheap gag in a £1.50 supermarket card perpetuating negative stereotypes about dads being lazy and less popular than mums. And why do supermarkets deem that beer and novelty socks are the only gifts a man should get on Father’s Day?

For some dads, this year is going to be different because of lockdown and it’s actually going to be better for it. Lockdown has provided some dads precious opportunities to spend more time at home with the people they love and a Father’s Day in lockdown is an opportunity to spend quality time together.

One dad has a family camp-out in the garden planned with barbeque and marshmallows to toast. There will be Facetime calls, family quizzes on Zoom and socially distanced visits to dads and grandads’ gardens. There will be less panic buying of unwanted gifts and inappropriate cards being posted last minute. Instead, people will make more of an effort to show their love by connecting to people, where they can.

One dad I spoke to hasn’t been able to have his children stay with him since before the lockdown because they are shielding with their mother. Difficult as this separation has been, he can appreciate that paradoxically, physical distance from his children has made him feel even closer to them. Even though he can’t be with them in person on June 21^st, he intends to do something that will connect him in another way and do something that reminds him of times spent together. I think we can all benefit from adopting this idea. On Father’s Day this year, connect to those you can in person, online or over the phone and connect to those you miss by doing something that reminds you of them. Happy Father’s Day.

You can contact Mark, Project Officer, at mark@fastforward.org.uk