Making good conversations easier

Having Good Conversations with Young People

 The key to building a positive relationship and sorting out any communication difficulties with your teenager is to keep the channels of communication open.

No big lectures:

• Try to offer the same support that you would a friend – listen without passing comment, without making judgements or offering criticism. Sometimes you need to give your teenager the respect and behaviour you’d give a friend. Judging, blaming, criticising and lecturing can damage self-esteem and cause distance between you and your teenager. It can increase conflict and make them unwilling to cooperate.

Ask questions:

• Asking young people questions is crucial for building strong relationships, fostering their emotional well-being, and promoting their development into confident and capable individuals. Open-ended questions encourage meaningful conversations, build trust, and help them navigate the complexities of this stage of their life. It can be useful to do this while doing something else. For example while driving, walking or during hobbies. This can take the pressure off and help conversation flow.

Start conversations when they are young:

• Young people have the right to be heard and to talk about things that matter to them. Building communication and trust at a young age will help them open up about their challenges, emotions and fears in the years to come.

Do some research:

• The challenges young people face today can feel similar to what you may have experienced, but there are a whole raft of risk taking behaviours surrounding our young people that might be new to you. For example vaping, snus, substances and the terminology around them. Technology has also changed the landscape with an understanding of online safety including sexting and gambling awareness now more relevant than ever.
• Be prepared for them to ask you questions – it’s ok not to have all the answers. It can be overwhelming but it’s ok to do some research and come back with information you’ve gathered.

It’s okay to make mistakes

• “No matter what happens, whatever mess you get yourself into, however disappointed you think I will be, you can always tell me and know I will not reject you, I will love you, and I will support you.” This is a crucial message for young people to hear and understand.

The greater confidence teens have in the security and safety of their family relationships, the less chance they have of engaging in risky behaviour that can lead to life getting messy. Good conversations are about communicating unconditional love and acceptance. Acceptance that is not dependent on good behaviour or achievement.

Stay calm

• This can be easier said than done if your teen has done something to make you upset. But if parents and care-givers can’t remain calm, we shouldn’t expect our teens to do so either. Yelling or over-reacting can run the risk of teens turning off. Conversation over.
• When young people are tense, heated, angry or upset they can’t absorb information. However, when calm they are better able to think through consequences. Young people will be more receptive to advice when it’s offered in a relaxed tone.
• Some young people are good at reading our body language, and they react accordingly. So it’s important to remain calm and to work out your feelings of discomfort before you talk to young people.

Talk about hypothetical situations

• Finding it difficult getting the conversation started? Look out for movies or television shows depicting characters dealing with relationships, love, sex, drugs or other issues young people may be questioning. It is another way to get everyone talking. By watching, the focus shifts from our teens to the characters on screen. Young people often feel more comfortable when they aren’t talking directly about themselves.

Listen as well as talk

• Listening is a skill. When it comes to adolescents, listening (and not interrupting) is key to getting them to keep talking to and confiding in us. As much as we may want to make suggestions, open and honest communication, more often comes from letting them do the talking. Young people want to be heard. Let them speak. Pay attention and show you care.